


Do Not Go Gently Into That Good Night

by messedupstargazer



Series: Dating Your Arch-Nemesis [2]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Barry can't save everyone, Barry just needs to talk, But after Len found out Barry's the Flash, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Exhausted!Barry, Hurt Barry, Hurt/Comfort, I Tried, I swear most of his problems can be solved by good communication, I'm Sorry, I'm technologically inept, Just talk to somebody Barry, Len agrees with me, M/M, Nightmares, Please Don't Hate Me, Poetry, This goes with You Still Care, This is before Barry finds out that Len's Captain Cold, This is part of a series but I can't figure out how to do that, but he wants to, len is a good boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 05:10:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8877292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/messedupstargazer/pseuds/messedupstargazer
Summary: Sometimes being a good boyfriend to the Flash meant just being there to put him to bed and help with nightmares.





	

Dating the Flash had its drawbacks, but he wouldn’t trade it for the world. Seeing the Flash’s exploits on the news was hard enough, but it was worth it to see Barry's smiling face after he pulled a successful job. But during times like these, all Len could do was catch Barry as he fell and tuck him in with a loving heart. So when Barry stumbled through the door, Len was waiting with open arms. He knew the routine that Barry needed. Len caught the exhausted speedster and guided him to the kitchen, where he had pizza waiting. Barry always called to tell him when a job was done so he could quit worrying and Len used the time that Barry was still gone to order him food. As always, Barry mechanically ate, as if he could barely taste the food in his mouth, while Len simply waited to see if he needed to talk. On good nights, sometimes he was perfectly fine just enjoying Len's company. On bad nights, Barry needed a shoulder to cry on if Len could get him to open up. On one of those nights, Len just prayed Barry would talk the next day.

It seemed tonight was one of those nights. Barry's eyes were red-rimmed, as if he had cried on the way home, and his hands were shaking. Len extended a hand, careful not to touch Barry without permission. Barry was a very tactile person but when he was this upset, he tended to curl into himself and Len didn’t want to risk losing him. Thankfully, Barry nodded with a watery smile and Len squeezed his hand. Barry packed the pizza away and then stood on shaky legs. Len guided him over to the bedroom and out of his clothes. He pressed a kiss to Barry's exposed shoulder but when he flinched, Len pulled back. Barry put on his pajamas and crawled into bed in silence. Len got a glass of water and put it on Barry's bedside table.

“Do you want me to sleep with you?” Len asked.

Barry nodded.

“Do you want me to touch you?” Len asked, trying to be as clear as possible. Barry always said that many of his problems could be solved with clear communication on both sides. He just wished that Barry was a little less of a hypocrite on that one.

Barry shook his head slowly.

Len nodded. “Okay. But I'm right here if you need me tonight.”

Barry nodded, a few tears slipping down his cheeks. It seemed tonight would be another night in Barry's repertoire of crying himself to sleep.

Len wanted so badly to wipe away those tears and hug Barry into an unbreakable happiness. But he couldn’t, if Barry didn’t want to be touched, then he wasn’t going to be. Len was always a man of his word.

He climbed into bed. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Barry mumbled, as if trying to sound like he wasn’t crying.

Len would try to get Barry to open up tomorrow. He wasn’t usually successful but he’d be damned before he stopped trying.

Len wasn’t sure when he drifted off but he knew when he woke up. He knew because Barry basically punched him in the face. In the four seconds it took Len to figure out what had happened, he’d already got his cold gun, and was aiming it at the noise. Which just happened to be his boyfriend. Thankfully, Barry was still asleep, stuck in the throes of a nightmare. Len tucked the gun away and grabbed Barry's shoulders.

“Babe, wake up, it’s only a nightmare.” Len pleaded, giving Barry's hip a quick shake. Barry sometimes woke up swinging so it was better to avoid his arms when waking him.

Barry's eyes flew open and a strangled scream passed his lips. Barry panted and reached blindly for the glass of water. His hands vibrated and so Len got the glass first. Otherwise, the wall would have a new stain and the floor would be dangerous to step on. He held the glass to Barry's lips who drank greedily.

“Easy, baby, take it easy.” Len whispered. “Small sips.”

Barry did slow down but still finished at record time. Len set the glass down and waited. It hurt to wait but if he pushed too quickly, then Barry wouldn’t talk to him at all.

“Did I hurt you?” Barry asked, his voice hoarse and cracked.

Len shook his head. “No. You startled me but you didn’t hurt me.”

Barry nodded, sinking into his pillows.

“Can you talk to me?” Len asked.

Barry shook his head.

“Why?” Len pressed.

“It’s not your problem.” Barry sighed.

“But it is bothering you, so it is my problem.” Len insisted. “You can't keep everything inside. If you can't talk to me, promise you'll talk to someone.”

Barry just shook his head.

“Baby, you can't keep this inside you.” Len pushed. “It will tear you apart.”

“I know.” Barry said. “I just… I can't handle that too right now.”

“That’s what you always say.” Len replied. “I've been trying to give you your space but this is going too damn far. I don’t care if I can't be the person you open up to but promise me you talk to someone.”

“Wouldn’t understand.” Barry mumbled.

“Not if you don’t let me.” Len responded. “If you don’t try, it’ll never happen. I may not fully understand at first but over time I will.”

Barry pulled himself up and curled into a ball. “It’s so much. I can't.”

“You have to be honest about how bad it hurts.” Len tried, scooting closer. “You have to be honest so you can move on.”

“Len, let it go.” Barry pleaded.

“I can't.” Len said. “I can't let you destroy yourself since you won't talk to anyone.”

“I said let it go!” Barry shouted, his face contorted in rage. “You told me when you found out I was the Flash that if I told you to back off you would!”

“Yeah, for something I know I can't solve since I'm not a superhero!” Len raised his voice right back, though the logical part of his mind said to not. “But not about watching the man I love descend into madness because he won't talk to anyone!”

“I don’t want to hurt you!” Barry shouted. “It’s so much, it’s such a burden, and I can't do that to you! I love you too you know!”

“If you love me so much then let me in!” Len shouted. “Cut the bullshit and let me in! The whole point of being someone’s partner is to be there for them! Happy, sad, horribly depressed, unbelievably excited, and all the emotions in between. When I told you I love you, I meant that I wanted to be there for you, no matter what. Please, Barry, I'm begging you, let me in.”

That broke the dam. Barry's eyes filled up with tears and he sobbed. Len brought him close to his chest and rubbed his back, trying to be soothing. Goodness knows he was terrible at it.

“She was just a little kid.” Was the first coherent sentence Len could figure out through Barry's tears.

“Who was?” Len whispered.

“The girl from the fire.” Barry gasped. Len had seen the fire on the news. He thought Barry got out all the survivors, at least that’s what the news said. “I focused on the third floor first, that’s where Cisco said that the most damage was. I got everybody out and by the time I got to the second,” Barry choked for a second, “she was already under a beam. She couldn’t have been more than nine years old. And I couldn’t save her because I wasn’t fast enough on the other floor! I'm never fast enough to save people!”

“That wasn’t the reason she died.” Len said when Barry paused in his sobs to take a breath.

Barry frowned and looked up at him in confusion.

“She didn’t die because you weren't fast enough.” Len said. “Sometimes we don’t have a choice. Death takes what it wants and there's nothing anyone can do about it. It doesn’t have anything to do with us.”

“But if I got to her before that beam collapsed-” Barry started.

Len interrupted. “But then you couldn’t guarantee the safety of the residents on the third floor. Because sometimes you can't win, no matter how hard you try. Sometimes you do everything right, everything exactly right, and you still lose. As much as this hurts you Barry, you can't save everyone. It’s just not possible.”

“Joe says that.” Barry murmured.

“Well then, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with him.” Len said, completely aware that the detective did not like him dating his son, and would find him dating Captain Cold even worse.

“I want to though.” Barry said, his green eyes filled with so much pain. “I want to save everyone because everyone deserves to be saved. Even people like Weather Wizard or Captain Cold.”

Len almost snorted. But he kept his cool.

“I just want everyone to be okay.” Barry finished.

“I don’t.” Len said.

Barry looked up at him, scandalized.

“I can't hold that weight on my shoulders.” Len said. “I don’t know why you try to. You're not Atlas, you can't hold the weight of the entire earth.”

“Atlas held up the sky, not the earth.” Barry mumbled and Len allowed himself to laugh. Soon after Barry joined him.

“My point still stands, nerd.” Len said. “You can't do this alone. You have to trust that the people you save will lead lives worthy of those you couldn’t.”

Barry didn’t say anything for a little while and Len was afraid he had gone too far.

“Okay.” Barry said. Len frowned, unsure to his meaning. “Okay, I'll talk to you about this. But I need you to promise me something first.”

“Anything.” Len said.

“Promise me that if it gets too much for you, you'll tell me.” Barry said, resting his forehead on Len's. “I can't see my life as the Flash destroy you either.”

“I promise.” Len said, knowing that would be pretty much impossible. Barry's life as the Flash couldn’t throw him for anymore loops than his own as Captain Cold did.

“Do you want me to start tonight?” Barry asked.

Len glanced at the clock. It was past three and Barry had work in the morning.

“No, tonight, you need to get some sleep.” Len said. “We’ll talk tomorrow, after work, okay?”

Barry nodded. “Thanks. I'm still really tired.”

Len guided them both back down, Barry letting himself be guided, and Barry snuggled into his chest. Len started to run his hands through Barry's hair. Barry hummed in delight. Len knew this made Barry melt every time.

“Can you talk to me?” Barry asked, his voice barely above a whisper. “I just wanna hear your voice.”

Len nodded and Barry lifted his head so Len could rummage through his bedside drawer. They had established long ago that Len sucked at stories, so whenever Barry asked to hear his voice, Len read to him. Len fished out the first book he got his hands on and let Barry curl into him again. “World War Two Poetry” was the title, and he wasn’t sure if it would be all right for Barry but opened it anyway. He could check and if it would be too much for him, he could find another book.

“Do not go gentle into that good night,  
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;  
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,  
Because their words had forked no lightning they  
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright  
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,  
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,  
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,  
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight  
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,  
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” (Dylan Thomas)

Barry didn’t say a word the entire time. Fearing he had grossly fucked up, he turned his attention from the book to Barry. It seemed he needn’t have worried, since Barry was fast asleep on his chest. Len put the book down and just continued to run his hands through Barry's hair. He had wanted to stay up to make sure Barry didn't have any more nightmares, but the gentle stillness of the world, the warmth from the covers (although he was certain that most of it came from Barry- seriously the man was his own space heater), and Barry's soft, even breathing soon sent him to sleep as well.

Thankfully, they both slept through the night without nightmares. Life fell back into routine. And routine was Len getting woken up by Barry speed forcing out of bed with a “Shit! I'm late!”


End file.
